Sex after Starting a Family

Posted: Sep 17 2016

Let me start by sharing a funny story.

Shortly after my first son was born I had the routine six week check up with the local nurse who told me “not to deny your husband sex” just because I'd had a baby. 

I simply smiled, politely but ashen faced. It did however make me feel somewhat pressured to try and maintain the fiery sexual relationship we had had prior to starting a family. 

Whilst I can now look back and laugh a little at her words of wisdom - my kids are more grown up and life is a lot more balanced - at the time, looking after a new born baby and feeling so tired words could not explain, I couldn't muster the energy to question her "instruction".

A couple cuddling with a baby

For those of you who have had a baby and are struggling to feel in the mood, then this blog is for you.  I’ll start by saying it is one of the most common problems couples will face and can put tremendous pressure on a relationship if not addressed.

For some women they may find their libido takes a dip throughout their pregnancy and again this is very common.  Your body is going through so many changes, hormone surges and in some cases morning sickness which can sometimes manifest itself as a loss of sexual desire.

It is very easy to fall into the trap of distancing yourself from your partner when you are feeling this way, for fear any friendliness is advanced on sexually.  Very quickly there becomes a wall between you which can escalate into a breakdown of the relationship.

I’m not naive enough to think it’s as straight forward to solve all your problems by having a “chat”, however it's so important to keep talking to each other and not assume your partner knows what you are feeling and going through.  We all know men and women are programmed very differently and a situation which can be causing you a lot of turmoil will probably be water off a ducks back to him.  This in itself can cause tension in your relationship.  I think it’s important to face facts that you may never understand each other and actually this is OK, however it is important to be considerate and listen to each other’s thoughts and try and compromise to keep your relationship alive.   

If you are finding you have an ebbing libido there are several ways to keep your relationship on the right tracks without having to have full on sex.  You must be prepared to work at this, relationships need time. Explain to your partner that due to the pregnancy or the recently born baby you are just not quite feeling sexual and to ask for him to be patient in the bedroom department until your body is ready to be more amorous.   With these few tips you can still maintain an intimate relationship without the full sexual contact which you are just “not quite ready for”.

Bath Time: Ditch the kid’s bath toys and put away that well known “no more tears” bubble bath, light some candles and add some sensual bath oil.  Both of you jump into the bath and simply talk to each other about absolutely anything, just try to reconnect. 

Cuddles:  Even if it’s just a few seconds hug, it’s important to maintain a bond between the pair of you and it’s amazing the power a cuddle can bring.  It can be the lift you need to keep you going when the kids are driving you crazy (your bodies will automatically release a drug called Oxytocin which makes you feel "lifted"), it also helps keep physical contact in the relationship.  

Masturbation:  It’s important to be considerate and appreciate he will need to "relieve" himself whilst he is waiting for you to get your libido back on track.  Talk about this and try and keep it light-hearted. 

Second Base:  Perhaps you might not fancy full on making love.  How about meeting in the middle and having a bit of foreplay or oral sex?

Quickies:  You feel exhausted after a day of coping with being pregnant or managing the onslaught of looking after a child.  So the idea of doing anything but sleeping when you get to your bed is just not on your radar.  This is where a quickie could be just the thing. 

The important thing is to give yourself time to get your libido back on track.  You may find it can take a year or more but try not to let things slip so far that it becomes impossible to fix the problems.  You may actually find your sex life never gets back to quite the carefree, rampant way it once was but that doesn’t mean to say you won’t have a good sex life – you just need to experiment and find your new way together.  Have a little fun in the process and enjoy rekindling your love life.

We would love to hear your own stories on this subject - please feel free to leave your comments.

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